when i grow up
five years to thirty. five years to thirty. i have FIVE YEARS to THIRTY YEARS.
"sobering" is the first word that comes to mind as i ponder this thought. it has been a little over one week since i celebrated my 25th year of life. and what a life i have led thus far! i look upon the expanse that is my life, and i cannot help but smile. so much richness has happened, and SO many good stories of God's grace, His provision and the tangible ways He has directed my steps. i could list random memories and tell tall tales of epic experiences, but this will come in time. today i am looking ahead to what will be my greatest years yet. i am hopeful and even confident that whatever it is on the other side of the unknown that i am currently living in will be the beginning of the rest of my life... and what it is i am to do with the rest of my life. an except from my last journal entry:
"i do no remember the last time i paused my life simply to breathe. every breath freezes my lungs; every sip of chai moves down my throat, defrosting my esophogus, leaving my entire body warmed from the inside out. i do not have much to say - i haven't said (or written) much in weeks. the only thing that comes to mind is that i am now 25 years old, single, jobless, w/o much money or an "education". yet somehow i am flying on the inside. don't ask me to explain it or write a "how-to" book on anything just yet, but somehow i have managed to get this far w/o much to show for myself (as far as the world is concerned) and still feel content and hopeful and free under the gracious heaven above. of course i am shaking shitless if i think about it all too much. but i think i would rather be standing and trembling in the state that i am in than sitting pretty in palaces made by my own two hands."
ten years from now, i will look back on the month of october 2009 and remember it as the month in which perspective and clarity downloaded into my mind. there are far too many reasons for me to be panicked or stressed or fearful. yet every route i take in my mind as i am analyzing my next moves have come to me with a great measure of peace. it's like my brain and my emotions have forgotten how to act and react impulsively. i guess what i am trying to say is that i have surprised myself. as of late, i think i've beaten myself up for living what i have thought to be an unsatisfactory life. when really what i have needed all along was a little time to be silent and think, a little room to breathe, a little help from my friends and a swift kick to the behind. i think i'm ready to grow up now. how it is i got to the point? i'm not entirely sure. i just remember waking up one morning and realizing that it is time - to be the person i have only dreamed of, to have confidence in who i am, to feel contentment even if i am still in en route to the destination set out for me, and to love and be loved wildly along the way.
greens
many nights i will make dinner for both myself and my best friend, caitie. we have always been busy people, but with this week being midterm week for her, yesterday i thought it would be nice to whip something up and bring it down to her school. the meal wasn't all that hard to put together, and i wanted to be more elaborate with it, but just ran out of time. i met her in the halls of her school, down in the bowels of the empire state building, and handed over the meal. carefully peeking into each container, she picked at the cucumbers and stuffed a slice into her mouth.
"wow, this is good," she said enthusiastically. her boyfriend, elijah, took a bite. "mir, what did you put in this? this tastes great."
my eyes squinted in wonder and my head tilted ever so slightly to the right, i wondered why they were so surprised at the taste of this cucumber. they wondered what flavors i had added to make it so delicious when the reality was that i added nothing to it at all. sliced up and placed in the container, the simple food remained free from anything that would take away from its natural taste. yet for whatever reason, their mouths were in awe of it.
as i thought about this particular scenario this morning, it occured to me. in this city - the great city of New York, we are surrounded by a plethora of cultures all containing foods with complex flavors and unique methods of cooking. the temptation is to indulge in many of these on a regular basis. with so many to choose from, eating well here in this city doesn't have to be boring, although it usually requires a decent amount of money. those who lack the resources to eat well usually are left to eat cheap - artificial flavors, preservatives, canned whatevers.
could it be that we have forgotten what it tastes and feels like to eat fresh things? i know for myself, i do not eat nearly as many fruits and vegetables to sustain me. and now that i am unemployed and budgeting very tightly, my awareness of what i am eating has increased tremendously. and believe it or not, i have managed to not only buy fresh, quality foods, but i've done so on about $20 a week. this is a miracle to do this here in New York. to this i say, thank you, fairway market, angel food ministries and trader joe's!
harsh realities
it has been exactly one month since my last day of work at the green machine (aka starbucks). all the things that i was hoping to accomplish - a consistency in writing music, consistency in blogging, more time invested into trinity grace, more time for deeper relationships within my MC and lifegroup, discovery of the direction that i would like to move toward. i have hardly scratched the surface. 30 days. it has been 30 days and already i am feeling both bored and bothered by the fact that i am going to be 25 years old and without a college degree or a job. sure, these things are minimalistic in the grandeur spectrum of existence, right? or so they say.
the truth is that i just don't have clarity in what it is exactly that i want. i sat across the table from ray east last week. if anyone has any idea about ray, he is like he yoda of spiritual living. ray is one of the most Christ-like men i have ever come across, and i have come across some really amazing men in my 24.75 years of existence. so ray and i are talking about what my next steps in life are going to be, and he asks me the question, "so what is it that you want to do?" simple enough, right? "what i want to do..." sadly, i couldn't answer him. for far too long i have operated from what i am "supposed to be doing" rather than what i want to be doing. i mean, really, who lives like that? ask anyone! the jobs most people currently work and the lives they currently lead do not fit their ideal lifestyle. this is just how the world works, isn't it?
"you do not have, because you do not ask. you ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. you adulterous people! do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God?" james 4:2-4 (ESV)
the question now is what is it that i really want? and do i actually believe that the desires of my heart and my dreams can come true? it just seems too good to be true.
"beautiful things"
no offense to beautiful things
but i'd rather wear a t-shirt and jeans
do up my hair on occassion or two
yet i would much rather let my hair down for you
lift up my brush, filled with browns and grays
paint my face on with beauty and grace
yet i'd rather not paint a mask on for you
but show you my eyes, my desirous pools
of emotion and love, of heartache and pain
my smile, my tears, the lines of my face
the beauty that you will find as you stare
has been carefully placed - from my nose to my hair
a little dot placed just above my left eye
my round, rosey cheeks and my lips slightly dry
please look very closely, look beyond what you see
look passed epidermis, see what lies beneath
for beauty's exterior, from forehead to chin
yet the beauty i love is only found within
so take no offense, beautiful things
i would much rather wear a t-shirt and jeans
"I AM"
Christian. Jesus. Salvation. Offensive. Relentless.
I AMCHRISTIAN. In a sense of emulation to every nation, tribe and tongue, I will become
JESUS. In a moment's time, I will throw mud in your eye, bring
SALVATION to the blind.
OFFENSIVE. With my words I am able to make you cringe, roll your eyes at me, why not just throw your stones at me, I'll turn the other cheek! I am
RELENTLESS. I will give you my coat, come close; I swaer I won't jump down your throat. I'll lend you my ear, call all hours of the night. We'll hit up Denny's grand slam, Quizno's toasted and roasted eat fresh like Burger King have it your way. Need a ride? Need to cry? Need to confide? Need a place to hide? I'll even die for your eyes to be opened to the fact that these preachers and church leaders throwing hell in your face. They lack wisdom, they lack grace. Pharisees and their high and mighty laws of condemnation, integrity's misplaced in their need for recognition. Where we lack in love, we make up for by stabbing you in the face with a never-ending flood of disarray and confusion. Because you still haven't heard what Martha did to Sister Clarence who said this and that to Brother Matt who called Pastor Markus lazy and fat, good for nothing, worthless piece of... Well, you get the picture!
Ignorant to peace, naive, lacking in faith, leaving me with a bad name! Turn over tables, set the place on fire, leaving nothing but blood and mire to this den of thieves! I refuse the temple, the priestly robe of gold and scarlet glimmering, shining fabrics and metallic metals of earthly value. To wear my Sunday best because on Sunday, God will surely tread upon any non-compliant soul and strike you with His hand. Church filled with pew-warming babies suffering from diaper rash, diarrhea and an attitude worthy of a beating. Loveless, worthless, such a mess, mentally handicapped, doctrinally twisted, never knowing what it truly means to be a
CHRISTIAN.I am imperfect. I am a sinner.
I am created. I am a servant. I am astounded.
I am bound. In need, I am free.
God gives grace, I am saved.
Christian. Jesus. Salvation. Offensive. Relentless.
I AM.
"you are mine"
intimately woven and spun
a twinkle in your mother's eye
and your father's unsuspected twist of fate
you were shaped and heavne placed you in
the womb of your destiny
the life God intended you to lead
born into a world where love was fleeting
as rain clouds in the midst of a desert's summer days
i watched as you were lost and out of place
in a heartbeat's time you found yourself
hiding from insecurities
haunting and hunting and raping your psyche
leaving you victim of scoffers, mockers and pharisees
in wait to cast the first stone
throw the first blow at your imperfection
but i formed your lines and patterns
where every bend ends and every curve begins
connecting each piece with ease and precision
i molded you, i knew you from the womb
fearfully, wonderfully, beautifully shaped
i whispered your name
kissed your face........ you are MINE!
your weathered heart and tattered canvass
i restore and wash every blemish and spot
let me
fill every void, every scar, every hold
refine every eye, silence every lie
alas, my love, only i wil ever satisfy.
"morning light"
it was night
and the demons that haunted her mind
loved to linger in the darkness
with insecurity guiding her
fear driving her
each lie ringing in her ear
the cell she embraced
familiar traces of love she imagined
wrongfully made dreams to esteem her vain ambition
created to fill each false hope
that one day this covenant would be made whole
that she would see the whole world
as lovely and free and pure
filled with life and art
no traces of black or blue or crimson red or white
her fists clenched as she braced herself
visions of mourning evolved into peace (beaten into place)
singing of his love from screaming profanity (taking his name in vain)
yes, these were dreams
'cause the only peace is that he is still asleep
and all is quiet
her heart has no need
but to remain in this moment
sustain this perfect breath
and to pray that morning light will never come
(the speaker in this "transcendent moment" poem is
a woman in a physically abusive marriage.)
a series of poem from my past
i've been in california for about a week. there is something so familiar in every place i've been - a year has passed and still, no time at all. much of my time has been spent rummaging through boxes of trinkets and notebooks of my childhood. i was a mostly a child up until 2004, i think.
in the spring of 2004, i was in college. this particular semester, i was apart of a poetry class that put out a publication, combining all of the work we had written over the course's 10 or so weeks. i thought i'd post some of the work that had been selected to go into the publication.
hope you dig it. and if not, it's ok too, i suppose.
"Sing of Your Great Love"
10 years ago this was written, and it still moves me so deeply... Current Hillsong music is fine, but to this day, nothing compares to the "By Your Side" album.
-----
"Sing of Your Great Love"
Darlene Zschech
All that is within me Lord will bless Your holy name,
I live my life to worship You alone.
You brought me out of darkness, and into Your glorious light
Forever I will sing of Your great love
Forever I will sing of Your great love
I love to see You glorified, to see You lifted high
I yearn to see all nations bow their knee
It's You alone Lord Jesus who can cause the coldest heart
To find Your love and everlasting peace
To find Your love and everlasting peace
CHORUS:
Ho-ly, Ho-ly, Ho-ly is the-Lord
Ho-ly, Ho-ly, Ho-ly is the-Lord
VERSE 3:
And Your trumpet will sound,
And all of heaven will know
That the time has finally come
For the bride to take her place
And we'll hear the angels sing
summer of song
so many melodies being birthed in this season. i wonder what the fruit all of this will be. there was a time when i wanted nothing more than to be a songwriter. i would listen to lectures on writing lyrics and i would read articles and interviews on songwriting. some of the best lyricists were being played on constant repeat over my ipod during that season of my life. talk about forcing material! the stuff i wrote back then was horrible. i mean, in my opinion anyways. but a funny thing happened. sometime last year, without even trying, melodies and lyrics began to come out of me that i actually liked. i mean, heck if i know whether or not anyone else enjoys them or not. but i would pen some words, hum a few bars and things would come together. and they're still coming together quite nicely, if i do say so myself.
i wonder if these expressions are speaking of deeper things. this has been a summer of disarray for me, both emotionally and spiritually. there have been a lot of questions about what i believe and why i believe them, beliefs and ideas and teachings that i once used to build the foundation of who i am. a lot of messing, pulling at the roots stuff... as if i allowed myself to be stripped down and disected. luckily, at the core of all the surgery, there was still some life left to survive. i'm not dead and that's always a good thing, right?
but in times like this, you get to see what you're really made of. it's good stuff! and maybe i've been a songwriter all along, i just couldn't see the material that was sincere underneath all of the formulas and facades.
[untitled]
writer's note: as of right now, i'm so stuck on this one. its beginning was so organic, but it soon became stagnant.
-----
we laid there as the sun came down
and kissed our skin
i swore i'd never come back
yet i'm in your arms again
this heart will never follow
what my mind has tried to preach
gone to turn around and run away
but my freedom's out of reach
and you have me
we're silent and you hold me
pound my first into your chest
i always need someone to hold me
yet i hate you nonetheless
you have my greatest memories
and i'm trying to forget...
"bite my tongue"
for now, i lay to rest whatever conversation
we may attempt to find our reconciliation
please proceed to poison every layer of our foundation
there is no use in stepping in, you are barely listening
to the voice of love and reason from which i am speaking
i do believe the tone of voice you use is so misleading
roll your eyes and point your finger, i'll be sure to let love linger
as my silence and good grace absolve your sin
let love in...
(something i had to throw down at 6:38 in the morning...)
