"bite my tongue"
for now, i lay to rest whatever conversation
we may attempt to find our reconciliation
please proceed to poison every layer of our foundation
there is no use in stepping in, you are barely listening
to the voice of love and reason from which i am speaking
i do believe the tone of voice you use is so misleading
roll your eyes and point your finger, i'll be sure to let love linger
as my silence and good grace absolve your sin
let love in...
(something i had to throw down at 6:38 in the morning...)
come and find me
when i was a kid, i used to hide in the most awkward places. because i was not very big, i could fit in the tiniest of hiding spots. i was a pro at hiding in any pile of blankets, strategically placing them to ensure the way in which they lay there seemed natural enough for me to remain undetected. and despite my chatterbox nature and outgoing personality, i was very good at being very quite and unseen when i needed to be.
around the time i was 6 years old, my family and i went to visit our distant relatives upstate. you know, it's those relatives you only encounter about once a year. it was these particular relatives that were know for their very fancy house and expensive cars, though i am sure that their house seemed a lot bigger to me then since everything seems grandeur when you're 6. my two cousins had all of the coolest things, and when around them, i did my best to keep up my end of the conversation concerning all of the latest and greatest toy knowledge. even at that age, i knew that money makes people so much cooler than those without it. i remember trying my hardest to impress them.
this particular visit was to celebrate my cousin, luis' birthday. aside from the fact that he had money, he was so funny and everyone liked him. playing koosh tennis on the front lawn of their mansion, i dominated every opponent that dared to challenge me. (please tell me someone remembers koosh balls?) it was time for me to go against my cousin luis. he was a formidable opponent, and at one point, i wasn't sure if i could beat him. then one fateful serve, luis tossed the koosh, swung his racket just strong enough to set me up for victory. everything went in slow motion. i smiled inside because i knew that i was about to own my cousin. eyeing the koosh so very carefully, my racket made the perfect connection. and as the koosh ball sailed far above my cousin's head, my heart sunk in dispair as i soon realized that the ball was lost forever in the high gutters of luis' mansion.
we all know the scene; it was as if i were in the schoolyard of my elementary school. all of the kids gathered around me throwing their mean comments around like paper airplanes, threatening to make me climb the fence to go and get the lost koosh. every apology seemed to be rejected by the angry mob. i tried to convince them that luis had so many cooler toys in comparison. i even tried to remind them that kids in africa don't have any toys so we should be grateful that we still have food on the table. my nerves in disarray and my heart beating in 16th rhythms, i did what i always would in times of conflict. i found a place to hide.
not too much has changed since then. in moments of fear and ridicule, i often find myself searching for a place to curl up and hide away from the eyes of the world. just last night my best friend and i were fighting. for some reason (still unclear ot me), everything i said or did just seemed to piss her off. there was this tension in the room between us that was as tough as nails and as thick as concrete. we tried to be cordial to one another, but finally, i could not take the pressure any longer. so i ran away, i hid on the fire escape and i cried. for two hours. non-stop. (i know, i'm a baby.) as much as i tried to fight it, i felt so rejected and foolish for allowing anyone's words or attitude toward me to have this much affect. to be honest, i felt quite worthless, especially because here is a person who claims to know me and love me beyond measure, yet i ask a simple question as to how her day is going, and i get the sideways glance and the deep sigh of annoyance. i realize that people have their off days, and i want to leave room for grace in those times. (God knows i need grace on my off days!) i love her too much to hold it against her, yet it doesn't negate the fact that it hurts.
over the last several years, i have walked through this journey of allowing the light of Jesus to be a search light into some places of my heart that were hidden and dark and even heavily guarded. there is this sense of security in guarding your vulnerable thoughts and struggles and fears.
why should i let anybody else into those places of my heart and mind? when no one else is there, there is no chance of being found out or even worse, utterly rejected. if i do a good enough job at hiding, some may even think that i do not have any insecurities at all. so why risk it? i once believed that in order to gain respect and acceptance by the majority, one must build a reputation that has no blemish or fault. yet funny how it is when you gain the whole world and still feel as though your soul is lost. (sound familiar?)
in running away, i have this skwed idea that it makes me a stronger person to save face. truth be told, i want nothing more than to be sought after and found i those times of hidig. hours must have passed before anyone found me, sitting in my relatives' parked volkswagon minibus. i still remember the smell of the vintage leather and gasoline, curled up in a ball behind the driver's seat, crying and sweating from the California summer heat. my uncle finally found me there, half asleep. after all of that, all it took for me to leave that garage was for him to look me in the eye and tell me that i was forgiven and that everyone at the party missed me. (of course, the fact that he made my cousin come over and apologize helped too.)
time and time again, i have be told to live in "the light" - in vulnerability and accountability. even so, this process of running toward the light instead of away from it has been a hard lesson to learn. it seems as though running and hiding is more in my nature than i realized. or even when i do let people "see me", i have this horrible fear that when they do, they will hate what they see. because really, the rejection of the person you make yourself out to be is not nearly as painful as the rejection of the person you actually are. i haven't completey figured out how to remain in this light, but i am grateful for those who, in times of hiding, will take the time to come and find me.
"a brooklyn bridge is a-burnin"
i had forgotten what it's like to cross you
you're so unforgiving, you double-crossed me
now i carry my cross in agony
how did it feel to lose me?
if you couldn't have me to yourself, no one else would
is that what you said because you thought you could?
when you plunged the jagged edge into my heart
what did my face look like?
remember always how surprised you were
when i did not die
i loved you then and i love you now
even still, you try to love
but you do not know how
burning bridges
never pleasant, so unncessesary
you've become my enemy
strike up the band
the burial scene is lovely
thank you for the invitation
here's a toast to emancipation
leave then, never say i never told you so
light up the matches that you hold
and put us out of our misery
go right ahead
there is no blood on your two hands
you're always good at playing innocent
it is the end, amen
the cage match
in the beginning of may, i moved into a very unique living situation - five bedrooms, two bathrooms, nine roommates (with a baby on the way) and a parakeet named keira. it has been a delight living here thus far. no major hitches yet. i am just waiting for someone to break and get into a yell fest with another one of the roommates, and knowing us, it would probably be caitie and i!
we live with this crazy little bird, keira. i first met keira in matt and stephanie's midtown apartment. back then, this bird was shy, she was a bit mysterious and everybody was fighting for her attention. you could call to keira over and over again, but she would simply look at you and choose whether or not she was going to respond. she was a snob of sorts, really.
living on the 22nd floor of a high rise apartment building, keira never saw wild birds fly outside of her window. of course all that changed when we moved here to harlem. the first morning that we were in our new apartment, keira was going insane. she would not stop flying in circles around the room, moving from one window to the next, squawking at the birds flying by, communicating in the same birdy language that only birds know how to fully understand. this bird has developed a whole new personality. even when you don't want her to come, she will get right into your face or fly right into cereal bowls and water glasses. none of the roommates, including keira's own mother, know what to do with her if there really is anything we can do to contain this bird.
as i sat in our kitchen eating my morning bowl of cereal, i watched keira perched in the window, calling out to her peers. it was a call of desperation and desire. i wondered how horrible it would be to have wings and a beak and like-minded instincts as all of the other birds, and still be unable to fully do anything about it. even so, if we let keira free to roam the skies, it is most likely that she would get mauled by another bird bigger and stronger than she is.
keira's new found confidence is quite entertaining. yet it seems that the shock of discovering that she is not the only bird in this world has made these four walls too small for keira to be content, so much so that it is driving her to insanity.
in like manner, i find myself surrouned by people who love art and music and creativity. like-minded people who are doing whatever it takes to do whatever it is they love to do and maybe even make a living doing it. for a long time i felt a bit out of place, as if my dreams were bigger than those i grew up around. but it wasn't long after i left home that i came across others who, like me, have heaps of passion and energy in their hearts to create and do great things with their lives. a lot of ambition with not enough experience has been my story thus far, and i want more than anything to change this. yet i am so afraid that i am like little keira, that if i were to really try and fly with the free birds, i would only find myself getting crushed in the end. is the fight going to be worth the possibility of failure and even great pain? and even so, do i have it in me to fight at all? because in all honesty, the thought of fighting just makes me wanna crawl back into bed and hide underneath the covers.
"home"
the most requested miriam dumlao original to date : keep your ears posted, the records gonna drop summer 2010! (in all reality, i dunno if i'll ever drop a record, but it's mighty fun to dream, eh?)
------
for so long, you've given yourself away
without ever being loved
endless nights, fumbling through all the pain
to the very end you've come
here i am to hold you, to ease your mind
in my arms is where you'll feel alive
i wanna be the one that you call home
i wanna be the one that you call home
come inside and lay with me tonight
love, rest your head and i will hold
your face to mine, your body close
no need to fear, no letting go
you have me forever
run and hide has come so easily for you
to the shadows you would tread
trusting in no one, longing for someone to lead you from this place
won't you give me all you have
'cause i am yours and you are mine
through the storms and through the darkest nights
i wanna be the one that you call home
i wanna be the one that you call home
come inside and lay with me tonight
love, rest your head and i will hold
your face to mine, your body close
no need to fear, no letting go
you have me forever
bt dubs...
... way to allow months and months in between posts, miriam dumlao. it's not that i haven't been writing, it's just that i haven't been writing here.
sabbath
"remember the sabbath day and keep it holy." exodus 20:8, NIV
this has been my goal for today, and so far i have been thoroughly successful. "the authority to cast out demons is found in rest. rest is the climate that faith grows in. it comes out of the peace of God." -bill johnson
i'd forgotten how the peace of God feels passed the surface levels. i'd also forgotten how Holy Spirit's voice sounded until just recently when we got back on speaking terms. i've missed Him. maybe this peace has to do with the fact that my bedroom is FINALLY cleaned and organized. after days and days of unpacking boxes and downsizing my material possessions and finding a home for each item i touched, freedom is what i feel right now. i have not felt this way in a long time...
and so the rest of the day goes. 3:27pm and i'm just now getting ready for the day. after getting ready, it's off to guitar center with luke to spend the money that i've saved by having such a great place to come home. i don't go anywhere after work these days aka i am pretty much an old woman and go straight home if it's passed 10pm. guitar center to church and back home again to hopefully be in bed by 11pm.
i need to sabbath more often.
i am dead
"If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?" --Jesus Christ
for as long as i can remember, i have been doing everything i know to do in order to find fulfillment. i know, i have been intertwined with the story of God for quite some time now. i am beyond familiar with Christian spirituality and the practices that accompany it. but like any other creature of feeling and emotion, i am effected by hunger and hurt and uncertainty and longing. i am not exempt to the effects of gravity and circumstance. and although the God of the Bible clearly states that life does not have to be ruled by these things, it is unnatural for me to live free from them without a conscious effort. it takes work and a constant reminder that i am not the creator of my own path. i can attempt to be, but it only leaves me wanting.
i walked down 34th st one night, on my way to meet my friend, noah. it is a walk i make virtually every day, and yet this time it seemed as though everything was so magnified. a girl with hot, leather boots on, a woman with a great purse draped over her shoulder, a guy on a green vespa, people in the window of starbucks, playing on their macbooks - each of these things seemed to grab my attention, each of these coincidentally is something that i covet. it seems that money and material things don't come so easily for me these days, and given my parents' financial situation, i feel guilty in spending my money on anything i could, in fact, live without. and monetary things are just the surface of what has been going on.
there is this obscure craving for the attention of people that has always plagued my relationships. i am sure that it is more common in others than anyone would care to admit. yet this fact does not make it any easier to live my life without trying to conjure up the security that comes from being known and still loved, doing so in my own strength and on my own terms. there were times when i did receive the praises of men, their words recognizing the talents and abilities that i possess. and i fed off of it like flies on shit. i did everything that i thought was right. yet the more i wanted to be noticed, the more forgotten i felt. i tried and do things to gain respect and love from others, but only find that i have a fist full of unmet expectations and broken promises.
in this process, i have been losing my own soul. i have gathered and gained as much as my tiny hands could hold, but in turn, have lost who i am meant to be. i have been settling for loves less wild and abandoned and freeing. and with this, i beg Jesus to take my lifeless corpse and breathe into it. He cannot do this miraculous work with anything but dead bodies surrendered into His hands.
against the grain
"you need not to find a cure for everything that makes you weak." from "against the grain" by city and colour
i could be surrounded, in a room full of people, and still feel so far from connection. as much as this family of believers, this church, has met my longing for relationships and community, there is still this underlying sense of loneliness. so my tendency is to surround myself with even more people and events and things. i've done this time and time again. yet it still is not enough. why am i never satisfied?
"if you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you." John 15:7 (NKJV)
for several weeks i've been dealing with this kind of heaviness, you know the feeling of "blah" that i cannot seem to get rid of. i explained to my friend, ray, that it feels as though a "healthy" toddler chose to sit right on my chest and has yet to get up. there are all these questions in my mind as to whether i'm doing something wrong or not doing something i am supposed to, as if there is one set formula for peace and a clear mind. we all know very well that there isn't, but why then does the intent and motives of my heart speak otherwise? what am i trying to earn here by trying to save face and have it all figured out?
i'm doing too much. ABIDE - this is the word, the reoccuring theme of the evening and for the rest of my life, really. i've been here before; it's the same trip around the mountain that i've taken these 40 years of wandering the desert. what makes it more difficult is that i've seen the streams of living water and the green pastures that the psalmist describes. i've been there, it's the only place to live. but i am not there now, and my heart is left wanting.
the definition of "abide":
transitive verb - 1: to wait for : await, 2 a: to endure without yielding : withstand b: to bear patiently : tolerate, 3: to accept without objection
intransitive verb - 1: to remain stable or fixed in a state, 2: to continue in a place : sojourn
my roommate, jaci, told me that she's been having one of those "what am i going to do with my life" sorta days today. in my head, i was thinking, "that sounds just like what i'm going through." all these thoughts came to mind - how is there really a difference between me and her? if i'm going through the same thing she is, why would she want to come to me for advice? is there any hope for someone i know to make the change from no belief in God to desiring communion with Him if they look at all of my uncertainties? jaci also mentioned that it always seems as though i have things figured out, which is quite funny to me.
i have come to the conclusion that the difference between someone like jaci and myself has little to do with me and so much more to do with Jesus. maybe this heaviness has to do with the fact that i still live under the law of gravity, that i have yet to transcend beyond my own human boundaries. which sucks because this humanity of mine is so confining. but i do not have to stay in that place by any means. that is the difference, that is why i can still seem to have things together - not because of my own strength, but because Jesus makes the claim that i can experience transcendent life amidst this worldly prison. and i trust His word, so i will do what He says and i'll stick with Him.
often times i've heard, "well, i just don't have enough faith to believe in God, let alone that He would care about my insignificant problems." to believe in God is to trust Him, yes. but for my own peace of mind, being such the woman of faith that i am, i have to constantly look back at the good that has already happened to remind me of the reason WHY i can trust Jesus Christ and the claims He makes in Scripture - new life, health, provision, unexplainable joy, peace that transcends understanding, confidence and security in the fact that i am free to be who i am because i was designed in the image of the Maker.
"i have been young and now i am old, yet i have not seen the righteous forsaken or his descendants begging bread." psalm 37:25 (NASB)
